I put a lot of effort into living, so I would be very upset if coincidental living were to take up more than 50% of the events in my life. Previous to our knowledge that we were going to Japan, previous to knowing remotely where Sapporo is on a map, I was debating over the many routes I could take in my life as of September 2010.
There was Plan A: Go to the college to take massage therapy and eventually ART. There was Plan B: Keep applying for engineering jobs and find one that is in the city while working part-time. Then, Plan C came along, that is Rob teaching at Hokkai Gakuen University, which blew Plans A and B completely out of the water.
I spent agonizing days and evenings since April trying to imagine my life in the future as a massage therapist or scouring websites for engineering jobs. This is my 100% effort. Trying to figure out life. Trying not to miss what is happening in the present. Trying to fit my life as a mother into the working world. Always remembering that I must fit into my children's lives. My soul has felt crushed under the weight of the hammer that forces the proverbial square peg into the round hole.
My self-inflicted madness manifested many years earlier. I remember writing to a friend that I didn't think I recognized myself after becoming a mother. My priorities changed...I became responsible for someone else's life...my occupation extended far beyond a mechanical engineer...there's no article about this in the Professional Engineering magazines I read.
So where does this prelude take me to today? Well, much my chagrin, I just finished reading Elizabeth (Liz) Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love" this morning. It was on my 2009 reading list, but an attempt at "Moby Dick" sidetracked my read-one-book-a-month ambition. Thus, it is coincidental that:
- I just finished reading this book as Julia Roberts hits the silver screen with said screenplay.
- I will be turning 35 years old later this year when in Japan. This is the same birthday Liz celebrates while she is in Bali, Indonesia.
- I am continually searching for inner peace (not that I don't know how to find it, it's just that when it affects other people, the procedure is more delicate and difficult). I quell my worries with yoga, dance, singing, CrossFit workouts, Muay Thai, and BJJ. Liz found a publisher, a guru, a medicine man, and a Brazilian, enough said.
- The author was divorced and didn't have kids, so she found "pleasure in Italy, devotion in India, and balance... in Indonesia." I am going to Japan (exquisite food, Zen Buddhism, Brazilian?! Jiu Jitsu) with my kids and husband. J comes after I.
Needless to say, I loved every word of this book. I may be the only person in my family and amongst friends who actually read it and liked it. I'll take the hit.
There was complete reverence that I felt when I read about the Vietnamese monk, poet, and peacemaker Thich Nhat Hanh in the 38th tale. I have been working on the mantra of "done is done" for years...my whole life, actually. I have a hard time letting events remain in the past, not letting old toxic emotions consume me when I replay scenes in my head over and over again. Reading Tale 38 somehow gave me leave of this habit...I finally accepted that no matter what decisions have been made in the past, whether the decisions were good or bad at the time or in retrospect, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is the here and now. What matters is how you deal with the here and now. Take the lessons of yesterday, remember them, let them guide your future - not consume the rest of your life.
I didn't read beyond Tale 38 that night. I fell into a sweet slumber. I felt light and happy, a release of all the internal pressure from rehashing a past that could not be changed. The past, thankfully, has lead me to Sapporo, Japan.
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
